Mother’s Day was weird for me this year. This is the 5th Mother’s Day I’ve gone through longing for a child to call my own. Usually I’m super chill with this day. I usually find an area to serve in my church and I serve it with all that’s inside me so I don’t really have time to think about what I’m lacking. Today was different. With the busy schedules caused by Joyful Macarons, B+K Custom Framing, Kj’s, and EVERYTHING in-between…. I decided to step back from serving on Mother’s Day at our church this year. My motto is if I don’t have time to serve with excellence I don’t need to serve at all.
So here I am…. getting home from work last night at 11:30 and I open social media and emotions hit me hard. I mean HARD y’all. Like uncontrollably weeping, hard. I haven’t felt that way in a while, and I credit that to my sweet Jesus keeping my thoughts on the straight and narrow AND our businesses making it to where we don’t really sit down and scroll social media any more. But nonetheless, I was sad.
So I did what I always do when these feelings come in, and I started talking to God. You see, God’s been dealing with some emotions with me quite a bit lately.
A few weeks ago while baking I jokingly (kind of 🙂 ) told God “I feel like I’m in grade school standing on the brick wall just waiting to be picked for kickball. I feel like you’re the team captain and you’re picking everyone to play except me. On the outside I’m trying to stay calm and trust that you know what you’re doing, but on the inside I’m like ” PICK ME… I’M BORN FOR THIS… LOOK I’M WEARING TENNIS SHOES AND PLAY CLOTHES… I’M READY TO GO! DO YOU SEE ME?” and you keep picking everyone but me. Why, God? Why am I feeling this way”
After making the statement there were crickets. He didn’t respond. That stung. I felt dumb. Life went on.
A few days later while standing at the same kitchen island God told me “Kaytlin… you aren’t remembering everything from grade school. How many times did you stand on that wall and NOT get picked? NOT ONE TIME. You see, the team captain picks people in order for which the game needs. In this case… the game is life… and I’m picking people in the order that they make sense for the world. That’s my job. You might still be on the wall, but it’s not in vain. You’re going to get picked, just hold on.”.
At the time that was enough for me. It made sense. So I tried to keep on with normal life and keep my thoughts happy.
Fast forward to last night… I tried to tell myself “Remember… you’re gonna get picked… trust the coach”, but that just wasn’t doing it for me. I told God “I know you’re still picking players, but I’m sorry, I just don’t feel like I’m even CLOSE to being put in the game.” That’s when he reminded me of the feeling I use to have on the kickball wall. I use to stand on that wall while all of my athletic/fit/FAST friends were getting picked and there was me, a blonde, slow, clumsy girl thinking “What’s wrong with me? I could be an asset to the team. I’m ready. Don’t they know?”. BUT… as SOON as I got picked, all those feelings of doubt and sadness went away, and I went out and I played the best I could. I never thought twice about the time it took to get picked. because, again, I ALWAYS GOT PICKED.
So last night God reminded me of that, but gave me permission to have my moment, because that’s how he created us. I’m learning, when I feel broken…or sad… or frustrated… or confused… those are the moments where God swoops in and loves on me most.
So this morning I stayed home. Yep I did. Not out of anger, but out of needing some one on one time, Just me and Jesus, and I let him love on me. I took the morning to breath, to let my emotions out, and not feel like I had to hold it together in fear of drawing attention at church or having to invite anyone to my pity party. It was therapeutic. I listened to an old podcast of one of my favorite pastors, Dawn Chere Wilkerson, on women and excellence vs. perfection, I received several texts and private messages from an army of women who are believing with us for our JOY, and God and I just had our precious time together.
I wasn’t even going to blog about this (hints the reason its 11PM and I’m just mustering up the courage to blog)… because let’s be honest, it’s a tad bit depressing.. and the LAST thing I want is rain on anybody’s mother’s day parade. But I just feel like there are still a few of you out there who are still standing on the wall with me. And I’m a huge believer in being transparent and sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly.
So if that’s you, and you stayed home today. or maybe you didn’t, maybe you haven’t given yourself permission to be sad. Just know, it’s ok… you’re not alone. We are all in this together. We are a team… we might be 12th round pick, but nonetheless we’re a pick! hahaha
HMD 2018 <3