When I purchased this blog URL 3 years ago obviously I didn’t think I would be utilizing it until I got pregnant, and the Robinsons were actually a party of 3. Three years ago when Ben and I decided we wanted to start a family one day and the planning began (we’ll get to that later), I told Ben that I always wanted to Blog as a mom and that way we would have documentary of our child’s milestones, accomplishments, ect. So I went ahead and purchased a domain name, hired a company to design it, and then robinsonpartyofthree.com sat unused. Until now. March 5th, 2016 while attending the Embrace Women’s Conference on two separate occasions God confirmed to me that he has other plans. As much as I would love to stay in my comfort zone, keeping my story to myself until MY timing is right, I cannot keep turning a deaf ear to what I KNOW the Lord is telling me to do. So bare with me as I take you along on my personal, raw, crazy journey that God is taking Ben and I on.
As I sit in my office, just myself, my computer, and the faint sound of Madden 16 coming from my husband’s man cave, I find myself asking God where do I even begin. My story starts 3 years ago, and while I would love to cut some of it out for time’s sake, it just wouldn’t make sense to do that. So like I’ve mentioned, bare with me.
So my story begins in January 2013. I left my job working at a big name retail store to go into business with my husband making custom picture frames. At this point Ben and I were a little over 2 years into marriage. During the course of our marriage we always said “We don’t want children, because we would never be able to raise a family with the kind of hours I worked.” Anyone who’s ever worked a management position in retail knows what I’m talking about. But in January 2013 when we got our business and Ben and I were sitting at our dining room table planning our yearly goals I asked him “Babe, do you think you would ever want a family one day? Now that we have a business where we could actually raise them, is that something that has even crossed your mind?”. Without hesitation Ben said, “Well I do want to be a Dad one day, just not right now.”, which was music to this planner’s ears.
To give you a little back story on myself… I am blessed with the curse of
planning micro-managing every tiny detail of my life. You see, when Ben and I were dating, we were young, we started dating at age 14, and at the age of 16 Ben gave me a promise ring. At that time, little by little, I started buying things that I thought we would need when we got married and putting in my hope chest. Long story short, my hope chest became too full, and by the time Ben and I married we had an attic and two storage buildings full of home furnishings, and decorations.
With that being said, in January 2013 when we decided that one day we would want a family we decided to buy for our baby just as we did for our home. We made a “Baby Needs Checklist” on my phone and when we would purchase something off the list we would check it off, kind of like a registry. We bought their first year’s wardrobe (everything gender neutral of course), and everything on our “registry” (TWICE. Because when we bought everything once I realized we would need doubles to have a nursery at the frame shop too, or who knows, we might just have twins one day.)
Fast forward to January 2015, Ben and I were sitting at the dining room table planning out our yearly goals. We both put down goal #1: Make. A. Baby. When we wrote that down a little over a year ago, we were excited, gitty, and now I realize, SO WRONG. hahaha. I immediately hopped on Amazon, bought some ovulation tests and began taking them every month just to make sure everything was in working order. We scheduled me a doctor’s appointment to get everything checked out just to make sure that we were in tip top shape to get pregnant. We booked one last trip to Jamaica as a party of 2, as our last hoorah without a tiny little human, and in my head I thought I just had everything planned out just like I plan everything else. Well how many of you reading this know, that HIS ways are higher than ours? And his plan FAR exceeds anything we could ever plan or dream? I had been told that all of my life, but sometimes stubborn little me just tries to take things into my own hands instead of LETTING GO, AND LETTING GOD. Little did I realize that those expensive ovulation tests, and that expensive doctor’s appointment were the LAST thing I should have been doing. Not once did I stop and say “God, is it YOUR will for us to start a family?”.
So Jamaica comes, and we are not usually people to wish vacations away, but we knew that the week we got back was my “ovulation week” so the whole trip we were ready to get home because we just KNEW that we were going to be pregnant in about 20 days. Ovulation week comes and goes and 2 weeks later we realize… I’m not pregnant. We were devastated. We thought, “What did we do wrong?”, “We must have bought a bad pack of ovulation tests.”, ect. July rolls around, we do the same tests, 4 weeks later…. I’m not pregnant. Devastation sets in again. Fast forward to August and September and we found ourselves in the same boat of sadness every month. Which quickly turned into depression.
Once we hit September and we were getting the same negative results, I lost it. I told Ben “I am done. I can’t keep doing this month after month, taking those test, tracking my basal body temperature, I’m exhausted.”. I began to get angry with God. It seemed like at that time there was a new pregnancy announcement on Facebook or Instagram everyday, and all I wanted was to be the one with the announcement. I would pray, “God WHY ARE YOU NOT GIVING US WHAT WE WANT? We have everything that we need to give a baby a good life, and you aren’t giving us that.” What I didn’t realize was in that 4 months time I had let the devil steal my joy. While fighting with God I would let the devil come in and put negative thoughts into my head… “You’ll never get pregnant.” “Something is wrong with you”, “You’re not cut out to be a Mom anyways.”. I didn’t realize that, until October 2nd.
I attended my first ever NLC Women Conference the weekend of October 2-3 and boy did God rock my world. The theme of the conference was “JOYFUL”. As I was sitting in that conference full of sadness and depression I listened to Christine Cain speak about how we have to get our heart and mind focused on the Lord and not on our circumstances that we are facing. She talked about how easy it is to get on a negative train of thought and before you know it you’ve lost all your power to fight the devil because you are not letting the joy of the Lord be your strength. As a girl who grew up going to church all of her life I had heard that phrase since as long as I could remember, but for some reason it clicked with me that night when Christne said “some of you are fighting a battle and you are tired. That battle is stealing your joy because you have lost sight of The Lord in your situation. You have to realize that the Joy of the lord is your strength and when you sit back and let the lord fight for you, you can find joy and peace in your situation. You will come out victorious.” It was in that moment that I realized I had to completely surrender my internal battle to the lord and I had to be strengthened through him, that was the ONLY way I was going to be able to get back to my Joyous self I once was.
The next day while sitting in a session listening to Mercy Loculutu speak about how circumstances affect our Joy, I felt like I was the only one in that building and she was speaking directly to me. While sitting there I just began thinking to myself “God, I give you my situation, I’m sorry I let my circumstances get in the way of your plan, now I’m going to receive the joy you have for me.” And it was in that moment all other voices went silent and I heard God speak to me, he said, “Kaytlin, you’re going to have a little girl one day, and her middle name will be Joy. She will be your physical reminder of my joy, but in the mean time I’m going to teach you what it really means to let my joy be your strength”. Then I began to see a vision of me in my “Joy” shirt holding my pregnant belly, then I saw another vision of Ben and I in the hospital and he was holding our little girl, and the smile on my face in that vision was a smile that I haven’t seen myself make. EVER. It was a smile that just radiated pure JOY. It was like God just took my hand for a minute and showed me what my future was going to look like. When I finally came back to reality and started contemplating what the Lord had just told me all I could think of was Palmer Joy… That’s a beautiful name.
As I drove home I had my pandora radio on and I started doubting myself and doubting God. I said “God, was that you or did I just make all of that up?”, and at that moment is when God started showing me signs of Joy. The moment I asked God that question it was time for my song to change on my radio and the song that came on was called “Joyfully” by Kari Jobe. I didn’t even know that song existed. I just laughed to myself and said, “OK God, I get it.”.
As I was headed home I began thinking about how I was going to tell Ben. Ben and I had been contemplating middle names for our future children and we were really struggling with a little girls middle name. We had both always said that we wanted our kids to have family names and never wanted our kids to have spiritual middle names like Hope or Joy or Faith. (Have you ever heard the phrase “never say never”). So I told God “If you really told me that, then you need to tell Ben too.” I got home, Ben comes home from work and I was so scared to tell him what God told me. Finally he asked me how the conference was and I just began speaking my heart and telling him what the Lord had revealed to me. When I finally said “So God told me we are going to have a little girl one day and her middle name is going to be Joy.” without another thought he said “Palmer Joy… That’s a beautiful name.”. We both cried and we both found new life that day. All the struggle, and heart ache we were going through felt like it just melted away that night.
The next morning we were talking about Joy and Ben reminded me of something that took place in our family 7 years ago. While at my childhood church a pastor spoke over my dad and said that “Joy would run through his house.”. At the time my brother and sister-in-law were pregnant with my parent’s first grand child. People from their church joked and said maybe they should change that baby’s name to Joy because she will be running through their house soon. Ben said “I remember us saying we thought Joy was a terrible name and were really hoping your brother wouldn’t change Lydia’s name to Joy. Now here we are so in love with the name Joy, it’s funny how life happens sometimes. hahaha”. In that moment I realized that the Joy God promised my family 7 years ago is still in the making, I had completely forgot that was even spoken over my Dad. That was just the start of God revealing Joy to me.
Since that day in October when God told us about Joy, he has shown us so many signs of his promise. When God spoke to me a month ago he told me to blog about those signs every time they happen. He reminded me that the reason I started this blog was because I wanted to keep track of our child’s life, and what he’s doing in our family right now is a BIG part of my child’s life. I know this blog post is forever long, so I’m going to blog about each time separately and link them below so you can read them as time permits. But my prayer is that if you’re reading this and are struggling with infertility, that you will realize that our God has the perfect timing, and he holds the future in his hands but we must lean on him. In the mean time, Let the joy of the Lord be your strength and rest knowing that you’ve got the almighty fighting your battle.
Signs of JOY:
“Be truly glad, there is wonderful JOY ahead.”
1 Peter 1:6-7